Coming Home

December 15th was a great day.  It was the day we got to bring you home.

We were hoping the time was coming close.  Some days would be so encouraging, other days not so much.

Every baby that came in to the NICU after you did and then left before you did was a little heart breaking.  You want to be happy for that smiling family taking their little one home, but deep down you're jealous.  I cried the first time the little girl across from us went home.  The nurse reminded me that girls progress faster than boys.  Then it was our turn, our turn to take you home, and I was so excited but I was also afraid to see the other moms who had been in there longer than we had and still had a ways to go, I felt guilty now.

I am so grateful we went to Timpanogos Hospital, they had a brand new NICU.  You were one of the firsts in there.  I am so so grateful for the NICU and the nurses and doctors and I'm so grateful that never once did I doubt that we would get to take you home.  I always knew you would be okay, that we would be okay.  I was still anxious though.

I remember one hard night. I had gone to visit you during the day as I always did; it was late at night, your dad was doing homework, and I was watching TV on the couch (probably moping). I made the comment that it didn't really feel like anything had changed. I worked; Dad went to school.  The only difference was it felt like we had a little puppy-dog that we got to go visit at the pet store.  One that we really wanted but weren't allowed to have.  A few minutes later Dad slammed his books shut and said "Lets GO!" I was surprised, it was late, but off we went to visit you.  We needed you.  We needed to know you knew we were there and that you weren't alone.  That we loved you.

I always had a hard time leaving you.  Always felt so sad and bad at the same time. I hated thinking that when you woke up we wouldn't be there.  I liked to think that you knew when we were there, even if we were just in the waiting room, or just sitting by your bed watching you.  Somedays you were too tired for us to hold you as long as we wanted.  Other days you would just look at us.

The day before we got to bring you home we brought your car seat in so you could do the car seat test. You had to lay in your car seat for a certain amount of time without having any bradycardia or desatting.  Those were the things we were having a hard time with.  You had to go so long without having any before they would let you come home.  We'd make it so far, and then another desat.  We were so excited that we were going to get to bring you home.  It felt so close.

The day after we brought your car seat in, December 15th, I went to visit you in the morning.  This was not a good day.  The nurse told me you had failed your car seat test.  Other things just weren't looking as good as they had been previously, too. I was pretty depressed leaving the hospital that day. I called your dad on my way back home and told him what the nurse had said.  I told him how frustrated I felt; I felt like we would do so good and then all of a sudden we would regress back.  He calmed me down and said that it was better to bring you home when you were completely ready and that the doctors really did know best.  They had told us to prepare for you to stay until your due date, January 2nd, but I REALLY hoped and prayed you would be home before Christmas. I never even let myself think otherwise.

That night I was working an event, Dad was at a study session, I got a phone call from the NICU.  My heart sank automatically fearing the worst whenever I saw that number on my phone.  It was one of my favorite nurses, one of the ones who was in charge of things. She said, "How would you like to come get little Ashton?" I was so confused at first. I thought she just meant come see you, then she clarified my confusion. "Come bring him home."  I couldn't even believe it! After such a discouraging day, I just kept asking, "Are you sure?" "Are you serious?!" I was so excited!  As I hung up the phone, all of the people I was working with screamed with me and hugged me and were so happy too.  I didn't even know what to do. I called your Dad at school, he had to finish and I needed to finish work, even though we were both so distracted.  I ended up leaving work early as soon as your Dad was able to come get me.  This was something we were so excited for and had been looking forward to for what felt like forever, but at the same time all of a sudden we felt completely unprepared.  We got to the NICU around 9:30pm.  Apparantly you hadn't failed your car seat test at all, still not sure why the nurse had told me that.  We had to watch all these movies before they let us take you home.  We got to get you dressed in your first outfit that was your own.  Before this time they had put you in a few hospital onesies, but nothing that was YOURS.

I was nervous to have you all to myself.  I was nervous that there wouldn't be any monitors.  My eyes were usually pretty glued to the monitors watching what they and you were doing.  No monitors, no nurses, no help.  You were mine, and you were my responsibility. You were going to sleep in the basinet at the foot of my bed that night.  I was going to have to feed you on my own and hope you were getting enough. No one was going to be weighing the amount of food you ate.  I was truly going to be a full blown MOM!  This was it.  It was before your due date, it was before Christmas just like I had prayed for.  It was time for you to be home.  Thank you, little Ashton, for working so hard and being so strong and finishing up all your growing so we can be a family.  You're perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.