Monday, April 14, 2014

Now that you're in the world

I never really mind being at the hospital, I had a view of the temple from my room, tons of treats, and I had visitors non-stop the first few days.  I was so thrilled that they were able to see and hold my baby this time.
Grandma and Grandpa Beckstrand were there first thing Tuesday morning.  My mom brought Ashton over early too.  I had been so excited for Ashton to come.  I was so excited for him to meet his new brother.  We had been preparing him for this for months.  I was sad that he wouldn't get to see him in person since he was in the NICU though.  When my mom first brought him to the hospital he was super happy.  My mom said they had been having a great morning together.  I was so concerned how he would react to waking up and not having us there.  But he had his Grandma and didn't really seem to mind.  In fact he completely ignored me when he got to the hospital, wouldn't even acknowledge me.  We took him down to the NICU where he could look in a window and see his new baby brother.  
He stood on the foot rests of my wheelchair and just watched. 
 I have no idea what was going on in his little head but he seemed to be excited.
Ashton warmed back up to me eventually and held my hand and laid with me in my bed.

That afternoon my Dad stopped by with my Grandma Liedtke and they got to look through the window too. Annalise, Alex, and Toni also came.  They captured some of the best moments with me as I was freshly dosed up on drugs.  I'm hoping the pictures they took never resurface...  I started having a reaction to the magnesium and my face felt as if I had the worst sunburn.  It was turning redish-purplish too.  The nurses said they had never seen it happen but that it can be a side effect, so much fun.  That combined with the crazy swelling I had I was looking like a whole different person.  They all got to be there when they brought our little baby (we still didn't have a name for him at this point) back into the room.  I was so out of it that I didn't trust myself holding him at all.  So they all got to snuggle him for me and Alex helped Jason syringe feed him.   Jason stayed with me that night and my Mom stayed with Ashton again.
Ashton was having a blast with all the excitement and attention he was getting.  Almost everyone who brought presents for the new baby also brought presents for him.  He looked so big to me, like he had grown up overnight.  My mom brought him back on Wednesday, this was the first time he got to meet his new baby brother face to face.  He wasn't too sure about him at first, but by the end he was very interested in every noise and movement he made, but he wasn't so sure about touching or holding him.
My mom went back home Wednesday night and Jason stayed with Ashton at home the rest of the nights I was in the hospital, but they came to visit lots.  Jason and him made quite the handsome pair.
Annalise, Alex and her husband Travis and Toni came back, as well as Aislinn and my good friend Stephanie Reynolds.  
My Dad also came back for a visit and Kayli came up and helped take some sweet pictures for me.
My last day in the hospital was Friday, they let me check out a night early.  Jason took Ashton for a father-sons day, while I got to fully relax at the hospital.  I had no visitors that day, just me and my babe.  We did skin to skin for hours.  Just snuggled together, something truly incredible.  While I learned a lot of strength from my experience with Ashton and even though my second birth wasn't perfect, I can understand now why women want to do it again.  
Those precious moment with brand new life is something amazing, something I can't describe.  
If only I could freeze time.  

Sunday, April 13, 2014

How Wonderful Life Is...

Monday, April 7th, started out just like any other day.  Actually it started out better.  I was having a great day.  A baby swing I had been wanting popped up on KSL for only $35 and was for sale just 5 minutes away from us.  I was feeling blessed.  Jason had the morning off so we went and picked it up and then took Ashton to the park.  I actually played with him, rode the see-saw and everything.  I've been on so called "bed rest" since the little babe tried coming early back in February.  Dr. Lind would set goals, "lets get you to 34 weeks" "36 weeks would be good, but I doubt I'll see you"... but low and behold I was still making it to all those appointments.

I was pretty proud of myself every morning that I woke up and was still pregnant. However once I got past 36 weeks I started feeling like I was done.  At about 35weeks I started swelling like I had with Ashton and my blood pressure was getting higher, all the signs of preeclampsia that I had before Ashton came.  We had an extra ultra sound at 33 weeks because I was measuring so large, they discovered that baby was big, 75th percentile (Ashton always measured big too), and that I definitely had a ton of fluid.  No surprise there.  By my 36 week appointment I was measuring 42 weeks.  I was huge.  I had gained over 10lbs more weight than I had with Ashton, around 50lbs all together.  That's a lot of weight! I was so swollen my hands and feet ached, I was just crazy uncomfortable, but I wasn't having any real contractions either, so I was really feeling like I was just going to be pregnant forever.

Back to Monday, after the park and Jason went to work, Ashton and I just had a day.  I decided that I was done resting, and was just going to resume normal activities.  I took him to ride his bike around the block, we played in the backyard, I even picked him up and carried him.  Much to his excitement.  I was watching him play in the backyard and just felt like my heart was going to burst.  I felt like this day was different, like I needed to soak up every last second with this little boy.

Jason got home at about 9:30pm.  When he came in I told him we should probably pack our bags.  I wasn't having any contractions whatsoever, but I just knew.  At about 10:00pm Ashton was in his jammies ready for bed and I was just wiping off the kitchen counters when my water broke.  Such a surreal thing.  I was just laughing as I ran to the bathroom and just let the water flood out.   Ashton came in after me and just kept repeating "water broke? water broke?!" and wouldn't let Jason come in.  We called Annalise who came over to stay with Ashton while my Mom drove down from Morgan.  Alex and Toni ended up coming over after we left as well.  They said Ashton was so excited, whether he understood what was happening or not he definitely knew it was a big deal.  Or he was just excited that he was getting to play with three of his favorite people well past bed time.

We were delivering at American Fork Hospital this time, once there they set me up in a room and told me that Dr. Lind was actually on call that night, everything was just lining up perfectly!  He was delivering another mom at the moment, so they said they would get the OR ready and that they would take me back in about an hour.  I wasn't having any real contractions still, I maybe had 7 bad contractions all together before I was taken back to the OR for my spinal block.  Much easier than when I went in at 31weeks.

Knowing you are going to have a c-section is so much better and less stressful than an emergency one.  They took me back, I think they made me walk back actually, I was still nervous and scared, that room needs some nice paint and maybe some soothing pictures of the ocean.  I started shaking, I was freezing, the spinal block wasn't fun, but after that I just had to lay there.  I asked them to turn on music, cause that dead silence is awkward and makes things feel weird and anxious.  I can't remember what they turned on now, it wasn't my choice of music but it put everyone in a good mood.  They were saying how they wished they could have music on all the time.  Everyone was just taking there time getting things ready and joking around with each other.  Such a different experience from before! Jason came back all gowned up and excited.  He loves watching these things.  The Dr even told him he could go on the other side of the sterile curtain to watch.  I asked him to hold my hand instead, but at some point in the procedure they called him over and he just left and went to watch! I was shocked in the moment, but not mad. I don't remember doing this but I guess I asked the anesthesiologist to hold my hand instead.  Jason said it was really cool to watch from that view though, and I really am glad he got to see that.

Our little guy was born at 12:42 am on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014.  I was 37 weeks.  
8lbs 3oz. and 20.5 inches long.
Dr. Lind held him up over the curtain to me as soon as he pulled him out.  Gooey, purple, baby not the cutest site in the world,but he was here! He was crying loud and lots, this is the best sound!  They said he was the biggest baby they had delivered that night.  After he was cleaned up and swaddled Jason brought him over to me.  I only got to see him for what felt like a few seconds.  He didn't score well on the APGAR scale, he was acting a little pre-mature as far as his coloring and being floppy like Ashton was.  He was also having a hard time breathing.  They took him to the nursery and Jason went with him while they stitched me back up.  My blood pressure had been really high so they treated me for pre eclampsia and gave me magnesium.  They warned me that the magnesium was going to be rough.  Boy were they right I can't even explain how it made me feel.  Any nurse that came in and read my chart said they felt bad for me having to be on that.  I was moved to a recovery room where I got really sick, more fun side effects from the mag.  Throwing up right after abdominal surgery is never a good thing.  
The rest of the night/morning is a blur.  I remember a nurse coming in around 4:00am and saying that they had moved the baby to the NICU, he had a slight heart murmur and they were running tests to see why his lungs were having such a hard time.  
I remember being so frustrated.  I had tried to do everything right this time, three weeks wasn't that early, my baby wasn't suppose to be in the NICU he was suppose to be in my room!!!  When they brought in a pump and said I would need to start pumping I was even more upset.  I wanted to feed my baby.  I wanted to have those experiences.  I let the machine sit there and said I would do it in an hour, praying I would be able to feed him on my own instead.  Within that time the NICU called and said I could come down and try and feed him.  I was so excited that I would be able to try and feed him first, rather than someone else.  Sadly with all the drugs I can't even remember going down there, once again I don't remember holding my baby for the first time.  This is the part I think I hate most about my c-sections, not being able to remember such a special moment.
(Jason snapped this picture of me getting to hold him for the first time, I could hardly keep my eyes open)
We were so blessed and he only needed to be in the NICU for about 12 hours, we got to bring him back in our room around 5:00pm on Tuesday.  I loved having his little bed right by mine so I could watch him. I loved feeling like things were more "normal".  I loved watching Jason take care of him since I wasn't able to do much yet.  I loved watching him look at him with such pure love and joy in his eyes.
He was so adorably handsome, I never wanted to stop looking at this new little man in my life. We had perfect moments in the hospital together.